Excerpts from "Bear vs. Shark" by Chris Bachelder (lots to read, fair warning)

CHAPTER 5: The Old Televisions, Part I

The old Televisions had an off switch.

CHAPTER 10: Bear v. Shark: The Question

The question is simple, as are most profound questions.

Given a relatively level playing field -i.e., water deep enough so that
a Shark could maneuver proficiently, but shallow enough so that a Bear
could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity, who would
win in a fight between a Bear and a Shark?

CHAPTER 21: In the Lord All Things Are Possible

The trip odometer says "111," and the digital clock on the Sport Utility Vehicle dashboard says, "1:12."

I think you can see the possibilities here.

Mr. Norman accelerates out of cruise control. He is searching for
something real like when Mrs. Norman used to lick his teeth when they
kissed. Was it his teeth? Was it her tongue? Was it on TV Something got
licked, something got bit. It was good and so long ago.

Mrs. Norman says, "What are you doing?"

Mr. Norman says, "I'm trying to get the trip odometer and the clock to match up." He says, "I think that would be neat."

CHAPTER 31: Bear v. Shark: The Essay

A Reason To Live (by Curtis Norman)

In today's society there is a lot of bad news. Just for an example of
this is tornadoes, assassinations, tainted food, and killer bees. Other
examples are pollution, bad roads, heroin, teen pregnancy, and rabies.
These problems aren't anyone's fault, most of them (like killer bees)
are natural and can't be controlled by human destiny.

It can be difficult to be happy with all this bad news around. For
instance, people are grumpy and many of them commit suicide. Men tend
to choose guns and women choose pills. I say choose life!

Bear v. Shark allows people to forget about their own problems and the
troubles in the world and just be happy. Bear v. Shark gives people a
reason to be excited about their day. Instead of sad about gang
violence or a collapsing infrastructure people can be upbeat because
they are happy. Their minds are on something else. Say, which side are
you on? Are you for the bear or the shark? And what about those fins
anyway?

In closing, my gardener is Dutch and he doesn't have a culture. But
America is great because it has a culture and Bear v. Shark helps us
have a culture.

CHAPTER 33: Patents Pending

Possum v. Squirrel
Owl v. Deer
Squid v. Monkey
Cow v. Mastiff
Varmint v. Critter
Scorpion v. Pidgeon
Blind v. Deaf
Jew v. Puerto Rican
Manx v. Mutt
Spanish Moss v. Kudzu
Hilter v. Elvis
Toddler v. Snake
Middle Manager v. Homeless
Oliver Wendell v. Sherlock

CHAPTER 43: An Essay That Did Not Win

Bear V Shark:
The Classic Game of Strategy
And Entertainment
(By C. H. Bachelder)

For 280 million or more players
Ages 0 to adult
Equipment: Major media, Internet, domed stadium, corporate sponsorship, First Amendment, patriotism, military bases, unemployment, sweatshops, complacent and politically impotent populace, homocide, crack cocaine, fashion, standardized tests
Setup: Give each player a Television, a second mortgage, a mind-numbing job, a staggering Visa debt, and a set of fast food action figures.
Gameplay: Each player watches Television
Object: To perform meaningful work and forge rewarding connections with other human beings.
Winning: Ha!

CHAPTER 51: Discussion Questions

1. An obscure and alarmist media critic once wrote, "In America we are never denied the opportunity to amuse ourselves." Write about a time when you were denied this fundamental right. How did it make you feel?

2. Explain the significance of the archetype of the journey in the Western Literary Canon (WLC). Is the author employing and/or manipulating this archetype in this work? How does that make you feel?

3. Interview your family members and do some research on the Internet. Why or why not? Explain. Discuss. Compare and Contrast. Use appropriate Margins. Don't cheat. Don't disappoint us. Take the Princeton Review course whatever you do. Remember: The French and the Indians fought together during the French and Indian War, and how does that make you feel?

4. What does the use of present tense indicate about the utter obliteration of memory, history and critical reflection, and what direction do you think hemlines will be moving in the fall?

5. Who do you think would win in a fight between a ber and a shark? Show your work.

6. Write about a time when Cultural Transmissions made you feel weak, passive, obedient, vertiginous, alienated, isolated, atomized, brand-loyal, spiritually comatose, compliant, simultaneously gullible and cynical, politically impotent, numb. How did this make you feel?

7. Italo Calvino once wrote, "Satire is not the approach [to comedy] that I find most congenial. One component of satire is moralism, and another is mockery. Anyone who plays the moralist thinks he is better than others, whereas anyone who goes in for mockery thinks he is smarter. In any case, satire excludes an attitude of questioning and of questing." Well, then. Gosh. (a) Do you find this book to be roiling with moralism and mockery? (b) Do you think the author thinks he is better and smarter than you? (c) How does this make you feel? (d) How do you think this makes the author feel, lying in bed in the dark? (e) Don't you think the author lying in the dark often wishes he had written a more serious and questing book? (f) With penetrating insights into the human heart? (g) Don't you just kind of get the sense that the author masks his sorrows behind layers of jokes, this chapter being one of them? (h) The world roiling being one of them? (i) Each damn character being one of them? (j) Didn't barthelme do this quiz stunt back in 1965 or something? (k) Would you believe that the author is genuinely sorry? (l) Beneath the crusty strata of irony? (m) Sad and sorry? (n) And do you think that maybe, with all due respect to Mr. Calvino, yet another element of satire is the satirist's heartfelt and heartbroken sense that things really could be better than they are? (o) Much better? (p) Why point it out and make fun of it otherwise? (q) Aren't satirists just sentimental and oversensitive cranks who just wish the world were a kinder place and furthermore sort of believe that it could be a kinder place and it is therefore tragic that it's such a cruel and stupid place? (r) Do you think you might like to come over to the author's little apartment sometime to talk and have coffee if he promised not to be so arch and droll? (s) Not even for that long, maybe like forty-five minutes? (t) If he apologized for the whole bear porn thing? (u) Doesn't it seem like that could be neat and meaningful? Please discuss.

CHAPTER 52: www.bearnaked.com

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